An Early Birthday Gift for Mii!!!

Hola Amigos. My birthday is coming up on August 4th. Mi Jefe invited me over to Casa Blanca and surprised me with an early present. It is a Nintendo Wii!!! I have NO idea how he managed to find one, but I guess that is why he is El Jefe!!

He is so great. I haven't been feeling very good about myself lately and I have a lot of spare time since I don't get invited to all the meetings anymore, so he probably figured this would cheer me up. He was right!! This is the most excellent game ever. Much better than the old game of Pong I used to play when I was a bambino.

You can even create characters that look like you. Unfortunately, they don't have an option for red ties. The only bummer was that Karl showed up and we had to include him. From left to right, above you see me (or should I say "Mii" lol, Jefe, and Karl). It was Jefe's idea to put the bars in front of my eyes. He is so funny.

So first Jefe and I decided to box each other. Can you imagine that? Like would ever hit him. As you can guess, he won. Then Karl and I played Wii Tennis. It was fun for a while, but then KARL STARTED CHEATING! He kept bumping into me. When I complained, he told me to "stop whining." Fortunately, Jefe came to my defense and said "Karl, let it go. It is Gonzo's birthday." He's always got my back.

My Favorite Ties

This is my favorite everday tie




















When I want to mix it up, I like to wear this one.



















This one is for special occasions, when I want to get REALLY loco!!!

Does this make me look fat?

I am a little embarrassed to put this photo here, but my wife, Becky says I look like a total hottie.

I'M BACK!!!

Hola Amigos!!! I've decided to start blogging again. Truth be told, when I stopped it last time it was because I thought I wouldn't have my job much longer. Guess what?!!! I am not going anywhere!!! No way Jose!! To quote Yakoff Smirnoff, one of the greatest comedians EVER. "Whatta country!"

Did you see me on the news tonight? I had another one of those "meetings". I was wearing my lucky red tie! (its an inside joke between me an El Jefe).

Regular readers will know that I used to be nervous about these visits, but now they just take time away from my job. Why don't they just give up and realize that I am here to stay.

My favorite question was whether I would pursue an order of contempt against some friends of mine for failing to appear. I just pulled out the old legalize and "recused" myself from the question. (I love that word. One of my staffers just taught it to me). I mean really, what do they expect me to do-arrest my friends? Riiiiight. I kidded a certain "H.M" that I expect a mucho bueno Christmas gift this year!!

I have the best job ever.

Yes I am still here (and I am not leaving)

Hola Amigos!!

Sorry I have been quiet for the past few days, but it has been suggested to me that I keep a low profile. The good new is that MI JEFE CALLED ME!! Well, not him exactly, but his lawyers, media trainers, and that pendejo KR (I am really getting to dislike that guy) have been calling. They said I should just keep quiet. Fine by me. I don't like the media.

The good news is that I am still confident that I will remain AG. After all, I do what El Jefe and his advisers say, read the talking points they give me in front the cameras. Who could ask for a better employee??

I admit I came off a little confused during that NBC interview a few weeks ago. Afterwards, I called the White House...oops, I mean WH (wink, wink) and asked, "Exactly why did I fire these guys?" How funny is that???

People think that my statements so far imply guilt. The truth is that I just can't remember everything they tell me to say!!! It is tough. KR tells me to get rid of people. I do. He says, "memorize this and repeat on your next interview," and I do. What do they expect of me?

Just a few days until my big meeting on April 17th!!! Thank you for your words of support. I figure if I just keep being loyal to El Jefe, he will not let me down.

He likes me! He really likes me!!!!

Did you hear what a certain spokesperson said that mi Jefe said about me today? "I can tell you that [mi jefe] has confidence in him." With Jefe watching my back, I am not going anywhere!!

He is the best!!

I am Fighting for the Truth!!

Someone asked me if I was going to resign from my job today (I have a really, really cool job in Washington). My response? NO WAY, JOSE!!

To be honest, I thought about just throwing in the towel and returning to Houston, but after I received so many emails of support, I thought. I am staying!!

However, it looks like I am going to push up my "big meeting" that I was planning up. Hay caramba!

Dios Mio!!

Okay, I am starting to get a little nervous. K.S. did not help me much today. I got some splainin' to do. What would you rather be known as, a liar or an ineffective manager?

How did I get here? Here I am, the man who wrote the justification for torture, has more intelligence gathering tools at my disposal than any other AG in history, and I go along with this thing because I am scared of Karl Rove? (Who by the way, made a pendejo of himself at the Broadcast dinner last night.)

I miss Houston. El Jefe, please call me. I need your help.

Fredo??

Some people on the Internets have been referring to me as "Fredo" Gonzal****. I don' t know why, I don't think I look anything like the actor.

A few words for K.S.

UPDATE: OOPS, I just discovered that the two quotes I included below came from Heinrich Himmler and Linda Tripp. Not really the people I should be quoting, but I like the sentiment.

Kyle--I mean K.,

I know you have a big day tomorrow, and a lot of choices to make. I wanted to pass on a few quotes on the important topic of loyalty.

"My Honour is my loyalty"

"Loyalty is to the government. I take this so seriously."

Notes from Chicago

Hola,

Did anyone see me during my press conference in Chicago? I thought I did pretty well. Notice the red tie? (heh heh). For the record, I did not "dash" away to duck questions. An aide signaled me that I had a phone call and I thought it might be from El Jefe. Alas, it wasn't.

No worries, I am sure he will call me tomorrow.


“Unless you can find some sort of loyalty, you cannot find unity and peace in your active living”

Tony Snow

Terrible, terrible news about Tony Snow. Seriously.

On another matter, I hope El Jefe is feeling okay. He hasn't returned any of my calls.

What to wear, what to wear?!?

Okay, I got a big day coming up. I am going to be seen by lots of people. Some of them it seems don't like me. I already got my lucky suit pressed, now comes the all important decision of deciding what neck tie to wear. It is not an easy choice. Neck ties have a special meaning to me.



When my friend the Comandante en Jefe gave me the job, I wore my red Harvard tie to needle him (he is a Yalie). The picture is above. FYI-in order to conceal our identities, I've tried to use the neat program called MS Paint to put those little bars in front of our eyes. I am still trying to get the hang of it.

He kiddingly gave me a hard time and ties became something of a joke between us. A few weeks later when we spoke together again, we called each other the night before and agreed to wear the same tie. How cool is that? This guy is the best boss.

When we spoke together again a few months later, it was my turn. That morning, I had a couple of guys who work for a division of my "company" interview my boss' butler to find out what color neck tie he was going to wear. This is the best part. My guys served him with a National Security Letter, which means if he let my boss in on the joke, we could send him to jail! I love my job.

So anyway, Jefe shows up and there I am wearing the same blue neck tie as he is!. I also wore a fake mustache to give him an extra chuckle. (Neat. I just discovered that you can make those little bars lots of different colors. I'm getting better at it, don't you think?)


For some reason, Jefe hasn't met with me in person in a long time. That is okay. He is an important man and I know he is busy. The ties have become something of a little signal between the two of us. Whenever I see him on TV with a blue tie, I know he is saying to me. "I support you amigo." Whenever I wear a red tie on television, it is my way of saying "Right back at you, Jefe."

The Best Amendment of them All!!

YESS!!! One of my aides just said she would not testify before "you-know-who," invoking her rights under the Fifth Amendment!!! Now THAT's loyalty!! (take notes KS).

I am sick and tired of everyone saying that I am trying to usurp the Bill of Rights. I LOVE the Bill of Rights--especially Numero Cinco!! If I could go back in time, I would tell the Founding Fathers that the Fifth Amendment should have come first. In fact, the Fifth is so cool, and is so important to our fight on terrorism, that I would have made that the ONLY amendment. I mean, all the other ones just get in the way of our fight.




So thanks again to mi amiga MG!!

Top 10 Things I love about the Patriot Act

Hay caramba!! I cannot BELIEVE that the House of Representatives is trying to undo some of the provisions of the Patriot Act. The PA, as we call it, is the most awesome piece of legislation ever passed!!

These are the things I love about it.

1. The top secret version of Google Earth lets me see who on my staff is really “out sick.”
2. I already know what happens in season 4 of Battlestar Galactica.
3. I get a power trip from telling underlings to start profiling for “boxers or briefs”
4. I can now find out way more about old girlfriends than just by using Google.
5. Randomly generating winning lottery pics from people’s social security numbers.
6. Plumbers, contractors, and car dealers NEVER try to rip me off.
7. Making a reservation in the name of “Mr. Gitmo” always gets me the best table.
8. Ted Kennedy’s phone calls can be really hot.
9. Some of those “persons of interest” are actually really interesting.
10. If you don’t like it, it means you are not a patriot.

Babaloo!!

Some people say I look like this guy. I take that as a compliment!!

The real story on the "firing" meeting

This is going to be tougher than I thought. Seems there are stories on the Internets that say that I went to a meeting on the firing of prosecutors even though I testified that I had no idea what was going on. I understand why some people think I got some 'splainin to do.

This is what really a happened. My secretary, Wendy just got engaged, and some people in the office thought it would be fun if we threw her a surprise office party. We had a cake, cards, the whole bit. It was a lot of fun.

However, we needed at a way to get her into the conference room without being suspicious. We wanted it to be a surprise, so we sent around this phony meeting maker thing saying the subject of the meeting was US Prosecutors' positions.

I mean, come on. What do they want? Did they want us to spoil the surprise?

I am so glad the my boss supports me.

Hello everyone on the Internets

Que Paso everyone!! I've been intrigued by blogging since my current boss first mentioned the Internets during a debate. Then my good friend Harriet Miers told me SHE has a blog, and it really helped her during stressful times.

Because I am in the public eye, I need to maintain my anonymity here, so I will just be going by the name of Gonzo Al, which I got during law school at Harvard. No, I am not going to tell you how I got that nickname. Let's just say that I am glad they didn't call any of my old roommates to testify during my confirmation! (ha ha).

Since I am new to the Internets, maybe someone can help me? How do I fix it so my real name does not appear in my profile.

Trust me, I know how tough it is maintain privacy on the Internets. I remember when, as a joke, someone pulled all of the searches that someone I will call Rarl Kove had done on the Google. Wow, we laughed for hours about that. That list of Web sites would make a sailor blush.

Anyhow, I've got a big week ahead of me. I don't really understand what all the fuss is about. It is a pretty straight forward issue.

1. I was given the job of fighting terrorists
2. Republicans are really good at fighting terrorists
3. Ipso facto, if you want to fight terrorists, you will make sure only Republicans work for you.

Do these people not want to fight terrorists???

Adios for now. Talk to you soon. I need to take my lucky suit to the cleaners.